40in40 – Gladiator

02Jun09

My Netflix rating: 4.5/5 stars

I think this one is a close second, in terms of number of times I’ve watched a movie, which is incredible considering I don’t even own it.  Netflix has come through and allowed for my second running diary.

0:05 – “People should know when they’re conquered.” “Would you, Quintus?  Would I?”  In the first five minutes of the movie, we learn that our favorite General is beloved, cunning, and wise.  I learned in a Shakespeare class that a good writer is able to foreshadow the entire story in the first 5 lines.  That’s right, I went there.  Gladiator is the Macbeth of modern cinema.

0:06 – “At my signal, unleash shell” For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about (which probably accounts for 95% of you), just trust that that line has provided several hours of giddy laughter.

0:06 – It’s because “unleash hell” sounds like “unleash shell.”

0:06 – And in Super Smash Brothers… oh never mind.

0:11 – We’re in the middle of our first battle scene and we get a taste of that gritty cinematography, the sort of jumpy and choppy tweening.  I don’t think I’ve seen this in any other movie, but it’s very effective.  You get the illusion that you’re really caught up in a fight, where your reactions are completely visceral and nothing seems to move in real-time.  Good job, Gladiator …ok, I’ll stop with the praise.

0:14 – How much of a bitch is Commodus?  Seriously, he’s in love with his sister, he wants to molest his nephew, and I think he cries at least seven times in this movie.  It must be hard to be the son of an emperor.  Speaking of which, I read that North Korea is rumored to have found an heir to Kim Jong-il.  This is really scary.  If Commodus can spawn the infamous arenas during a desperate time in Rome (the barbarity of a civilizing empire), imagine what a gun-slinging Communist dictator might do to a starving country.  Yikes.

0:26 – Hans Zimmer is a genius.  This OST has been the cause of many speeding tickets, as I mimic the stylings of Maximus Decimus Meridias and try to dodge cars with all The Might of Rome.

0:30 – Lucilla makes her advance at Maximus and she is tactfully put down.  I’ve got to say, very few women can pull off the whole “first move” thing.  Either that or very few men can handle it.  It’s kind of emasculating.  How’s a guy supposed to respond?  Play hard to get?  Get drunk so he has an excuse at the end of the night?  “I don’t usually do this… but, ok.”  And then is he supposed to run to his guy friends the next day and figure out when she might call?  Ahh, it’s all too backwards, too much pressure for a guy to be sensitive.

Women should just stay on their rightful side and be the coy, yet ultimately dominant prey.  The illusion of control is what guys are used to.  That’s why we masturbate so much.  We know we’re just messing with ourselves (literally and figuratively), but still…

0:34 – Commodus whines for the second time and kills his father.  Famous men who have killed (or severely damaged) their own fathers: Luke Skywalker, Oedipus, Commodus, Zeus.  Notice the trend of all these men?  They all end up having awkward relations with their own family members!!  Honestly, what has the world come to where you can’t even kill your dad without having sex with your own kin?  Since when did patricide have anything to do with incest?  Sheesh, makes me rethink everything…

0:50 – Queer giraffes.  Hahahah!  Try to visualize that for a moment.  I’ll give you another second.  Got a visual?  How about now?  You’re disgusting.

1:11 – How come Romans have a British accent?  And how come Russell Crowe, a Spaniard, has an Australian accent?  C’mon, give us at least a hint of Latin or Italian.  “Are you not entertained?  Are you NOT entertained?!”  He’s right.  I’m too entertained to care.

1:20 – Commodus whines yet again, this time hitting on his sister in the process and officially giving himself the status of “Level IV Creep.”  There are different levels of creepiness, in my opinion.  Level I: Out of nowhere and strangely out of place; this guy is not threatening, but you’ll want to keep your distance.  Level II: Too close for comfort; creepiness is exponentially increased once a guy starts making physical contact.  Level III: Persistent and clueless; whoa, he just crossed the line and either he doesn’t know it or he doesn’t care.  Level IV: Crude and vulgar; just walk away and hope he’s not following.

Of course, this only applies to unattractive guys.  Once a guy is moderately good-looking, Levels of Creepiness morph into Different Stages of Interest.  WTF, huh?  I dare any girl to refute that one.

1:33 – My favorite scene of the movie: when Maximus slays another gladiator in a rain of blood, Commodus sticks out his tongue and hisses.  There aren’t many chances to hiss and scowl in real life.  Let’s see… work, no.  Church, no.  With the girl, well, no.  Sports, yea, probably the only time.  I either need to play more competitive sports or find a new job.

1:47 – “We mortals are but shadows and dust.”  For some reason, the dirtiest and dumbest people are always the ones to impart the most insightful wisdom.  It’s like there’s more credibility when it comes from an unexpected source.  Funny, how wary we are when we think people are trying to teach us a lesson.  We’re more inclined to take advice from a stranger than our own parents.

2:18 – Joaquin Phoenix solidifies his place as one of the best villains ever.  In a 3 minute span, from when he blackmails his sister to when he poisons the hero, Phoenix steals the movie and sets up the most captivating battle of the movie.  Who doesn’t want Maximus to get his revenge?  But at the same time, who wants Commodus to stop creeping us out?

2:26 – Alright, what an uncharacteristically absurd ending.  Maximus is half way through heaven’s gates, and yet he has time to free the slaves, return Rome to the Senate, console the love interest, and walk through a valley of wheat.  Then, after sobbing just a moment before, the love interest delivers an oddly bold monologue.  It would have been a dud if not for the goofy African and his “not yet… not yet.”  And still, after two and a half hours, I’m ready to hit rewind and watch it again.

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Tags: diary, gladiator