40in40 – Armageddon

07May09

My Netflix rating: 4/5 stars

This is my favorite movie.  I’ve seen it about 251 times and I could probably keep a running diary without even watching it again.  But, then I’d miss out on the fun details, like the color of Liv Tyler’s bra in that animal cracker scene.

0:04 – The movie starts out strong with our first taste of the Michael Bay Go-To Camera Shot: the circling, elevating camera angle that focuses in on the brooding, “did you just see that shit go down?” face.  It’s used about 12 to 86 times in all his movies – namely Bad Boys and Transformers.  This time it’s on Billy Bob Thorton after his astronaut just got tore up by an asteroid.

0:09 – We just got three GTCS’s (Go-To Camera Shots) in a row!  We also get introduced to Lt. General Kimsey, aka Keith David, aka the creepiest character in any movie, “Big Tim” from Requiem for a Dream, aka the coolest character in any cartoon, aka the voice of Arbiter from Halo, aka the voiceover in the US Navy commercials.  It’s amazing how far you can go with a cool voice.  I don’t think anybody else can command as many hyperlinks as he just did.

0:19 – Speaking of sweet voices, Dr. Ronald Quincy from Research chimes in on how to stop the world from ending.  He’s got an English accent, so is there any doubt he’s the smartest guy on the planet?  Quincy gets one small opposition from Big Tim and everybody else swallows what he says.  He could’ve told them to sacrifice a thousand virgins to appease the gods and the next day a thousand naïve daughters would think they’re packing up cuz they’re going to Disneyland.  I love English accents.

0:23 – How to Be a Bad Ass Hero in 3 easy steps, by Bruce Willis.  1) Keep a straight face when you get news of impending doom.  2) Be the only man who knows anything about the one thing that can save the world.  3) Use sarcasm whenever possible.  This is essentially Die Hard 3.5, where John McClane’s vacation gets ruined by a terrorist asteroid.

0:32 – You know how sometimes a movie has a character in it who really didn’t need to be there?  McClane’s crew just got delivered the bad news and there’s one guy who says something, but we don’t quite know who he is.  He has a few more lines later in the movie, but we never know his name and he never adds anything to the storyline or to the comedy.  Later after the space shuttle crashes, A.J. cries over his dead body.  Why even have him in there?  He’s not funny like the rest of the drillers, he’s not smart like the astronauts, and he’s not even good-looking.  He’s just disposable, but I guess that’s necessary too.

0:45 – My favorite line of the movie from Owen Wilson, after hearing about the conditions on the asteroid, “Ok, so, the scariest environment imaginable.  Thanks, that’s all you had to say, scariest environment imaginable.”  Yet another actor in this movie who only knows how to play himself.

0:52 – The animal cracker scene.  Nevermind what makes a cracker a cracker, I think what I learned here is how to make good pillow talk.  When armed with crackers and a bad accent, you’re allowed to squish the “ample substance above” and go “way down under.”  That’s all you need.  Seriously, has anybody else tested this yet?  Because Liv Tyler, for some reason, is just chilling with her top unbuttoned and A.J. is completely clothed (her bra is black, by the way).  How do you get to that scenario whilst eating crackers?  Speaking of crack and a bad accent.

1:01 – Favorite random movie breaks into song, in no particular order: Anchorman – Afternoon Delight, Armageddon – Leavin’ on a Jet Plane, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – Twist and Shout, Animal House – Shout, Can’t Hardly Wait – Paradise City, Almost Famous – Tiny Dancer (I know I knicked it… I just wish it was a better song, great moment though), Dumb and Dumber – Mocking Bird.

1:03 – What a cool fucking slo-mo scene, when they’re walking down the landing strip to the space shuttles.  I would pay money just to be in this scene.  Maybe that’s what happened with that one guy.  On another note, this whole montage with the president’s inspirational speech is chalk full of GTCS’s.

1:23 – We get our first shot of the ominous asteroid.  I personally would have liked to have never gotten the real scope of its size.  I love the Hitchcock effect where the movie leaves it up to our imagination.  What we see in our head is always more grand than what is shown in the silver screen, even with the best special effects.  That’s why books suck when they’re translated to film.  That’s why KISS put their makeup back on.  That’s why girls are much hotter in little clothes than they are in no clothes.

1:36 – Ok, why does the Armadillo have a machine gun?  Were they expecting some hostile aliens?

1:43 – We just heard Billy Bob use the one and only F-bomb allowed for this PG-13 movie.  Did you know every PG-13 movie is allowed one?  “A single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive.”

1:46 – They ask the question themselves, “What’re you doing with a gun in space?”

1:56 – They bring back the Armadillo machine gun AGAIN!  It was ridiculous the first time.  It was openly mocked the second time.  But the third time?  Ha, it was the charm.  Steve Buscemi is great.

2:01 – Ah, another GTCS as McClane realizes the cavalry has arrived.  It’s finally time to drill!  But here comes another unbelievable moment.  A.J. is leading the drill and they reach a rocky patch.  When this happened in practice, they blew a transmission.  When this happened just 10 minutes ago, they lost a crewmember and the last Armadillo.  This happens for the third time and what does McClane do?  He lets A.J. make the call!  If this was real life… ok, nevermind.

2:11 – The second best scene after the animal crackers.  Bruce Willis gives the best 5 minute performance of his career.  To A.J., “It’s my turn now… You take care of my little girl now.  That’s your job.”  And he doesn’t let go of the gas.  Straight to… “Grace, I know I promised you I’m coming home.  Looks like I’m gonna have to break that promise… But there won’t be anything to be scared of soon.  I wish I can be there to walk you down the aisle, but I’ll – I’ll look into you from time to time, ok honey?  Gotta go now, honey.”  Were you taking notes?  That’s the last necessary step of going from Bad Ass to Bad Ass Hero.  “Wink wink, Gracie.”

2:16 – “American component, Russian component, all made in Taiwan!”  Hehe, laughing at this line makes me realize I first watched this movie eleven years ago, when I was just a kid.  It’s not so hard to believe that I’ve seen this movie 251 times since then – about once every 15.8 days.  I mean, cmon, I’m watching 40 movies in 40 nights, you don’t think I could watch this one twice a month?  Hell, I just watched this movie again when Paul only recommended it as a joke. And it led to the best review I’ve written yet.  The 252^nd time is the charm, I guess.

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Tags: armageddon, diary, michael bay